The older I get the more I’ve awoken to the fact that there’s this overarching theme in society of things people think they need to achieve, and if they don’t they’re somehow a failure.
This, of course, makes me really sad because we’re all beautiful unique souls and we all have different paths laid out before us. How boring would it be if everyone lived a life that was a carbon copy of everyone else’s? How boring would it be if we all did the same things at the same ages?
And yet there is still this expectation within the world that things must happen and preferably by certain ages. So many people still subscribe to this ideology that life does indeed have checklists.
So I was thinking about it and I wondered where that came from exactly…
I think the first obvious answer is parental expectations. Parents received that messaging from their parents who received that from their parents and so on. I think in previous generations of the world, there weren’t many options of what you could do so a pre-made life got set up; the *maybe* get schooling, definitely get married, definitely get a house, definitely have kids, and that’s it.
But I think another reason why is because of subconscious programming we’ve received from school.
In school, we’re taught that there is a series of things you have to check off.
First you have to get through each grade; complete all the coursework in order to graduate to the next level. You have to listen to what your teachers are telling you to do otherwise you’ll fail.
As a whole, you have to complete elementary school to get to junior high, then you must complete junior high to get to high school, then after high school you must get to college, and then after college you must either get your masters or get a job. We’re set up to believe it’s all just things to check off… we even celebrate checking those things off: Graduation! We are literally praised and receive positive reinforcement for checking those things off. (this in no way means anything bad about graduation, it's a great achievement, of course!)
The next set of checklist expectation is obviously in our love life.
Why is there an ideology that getting married and having children is mandatory? Shouldn't it be optional?
Love is amazing but society tends to lean towards praising people in relationships and making those who aren't feel bad and feel like they need it otherwise there's something wrong with them.
I remember being a pre-teen and a teenager and being made to feel bad and like there was something wrong with me if I wasn’t in a relationship; that somehow I wasn’t pretty enough or charming enough or lovable if no one was asking me out. Which now I realize is so crazy that a 15 year old girl was made to feel BAD about herself because she wasn’t in a relationship.
I feel like because of this people get into relationships and marriages forgetting what the root of it really is. The root of it should be because the other person makes you soooo happy; because they're respectful and treat you right and you love spending time together. Not because society says you need a partner.
Especially on women, there’s this massive societal expectation that you must check a relationship off your list, and then you have to get engaged and be married by a certain time so you can have children - all preferably before 30 which honestly as a current 30 year old is insane to me! 30 is so young! We still have so much time!
If you want to get married and have children, that’s amazing they’re great things, but it should be done because you genuinely want to; because you've fallen in love and you're up for the commitment of raising new life; not because you think you’re getting too old and “it’s time”. Not because you think it’s your next set of things to check off your list, because you’re looking for positive reinforcement from others, and if you haven’t done it by the time you’re 30, you’re a failure. Which goes back to that schooling: if you don’t complete the tasks your elders tell you do by a certain time, you fail and don’t receive that “graduation praise.”
Society loves to tell women that their worth is defined by their relationship. Your worth is not determined by your relationship - and it never has been. If you never find the love of your life you can STILL be happy, fulfilled, and joyous! We ALL have different paths; they all come at different times; nor do they come at all and it's OKAY. We should always just enjoy the process; enjoy the adventure; because no matter what we have or don't have, we are still worthy, valuable, amazing, beautiful, loveable, and just overall great!
You just being you is what can make your life fulfilling not a marriage, child, job, education, etc. Yes, again those things can be fantastic and amazing, but keep in mind, they're optional. There's nothing wrong if you don't have it, don't want it, nor is there anything wrong if you don't have it by a certain age.
If they're meant to be - they'll come at the right time for you! It's better to hold out for the right person/ the right path/ a way that feels sooooo uplifting and aligned to you. Never compromise or settle. It's possible to get something even better than what you wanted so in the meantime, just ENJOY your life exactly the way it is. Learn to appreciate the stage you're in instead of worrying about the future, about what others think of you, and about where your "standing" is in comparison to those societal checklists.
I know someone who said they used to date someone who was sooo adamant that she needed to be engaged by 28, married by 29, and having their first baby by 30. This couple broke up at 27… and yet she still wound up engaged, married, and with baby by 31 - all by someone else. I wonder if she ever stopped and analyzed why that was so important to her… because honestly, it’s very evident that here she didn’t care who it was with, it was just this need to check those things off her list to be seen as being successful.
I remember someone else I used to work with said he was going to propose to his girlfriend because “she turned 30 this year and all her friends were married and having babies so …. *shrugs* “
And that made me SO SAD. Shouldn’t these things be done for true love? Not just because you need to keep up with your friends and because you think it’s the next step you’re supposed to take? That couple also had a baby about 10 months after being married, even though the guy I worked with previously expressed reluctantly towards being a father, so again it was this pressure to do even though he didn’t really want it!
Why did having children become another thing to check off your list instead of it being this optional thing? Why is it just something you're supposed to do instead of it being because you feel ready and responsible and excited to create another life in the world and raise them to be amazing souls who bring extra light into the universe?
Somehow sooooo many people have gotten into their brains that by a certain age they need to get married and have children. Sometimes people don’t even care who it’s with, they just want it because everyone else is doing it, and I think thats why a lot of people get older and realize they’re so unfulfilled. They just did what they thought they were supposed to do and didn’t do what they actually wanted.
I think social media also plays a part into this peer pressure. Because people see all these other people doing it and they feel if they haven’t done it by a certain age that they’re behind.
That’s another limiting belief the school world has drilled into us - that if we’re not good enough, if we’re not up to par with our peers, there’s something wrong with us and we’ll receive ridicule from our classmates and get in trouble by our teachers and therefore our parents.
Because of that, it’s almost embedded in us that if we don’t live up to other’s expectations, we face consequences.
I think it’s so important to become aware of these societal expectations, in jobs, in love life, in terms of children, and ask yourself, what do I myself actually want? Are my desires genuinely my desires or am I subconsciously operating on these checklists for a life society has set up for me?
Do I want to work a 9-5 (or in reality a 7-7) corporate job until I retire at 65? Do I want to get married? Do I want to have children? Do I feel like I need to do this all by a certain age and if not, I am therefore unsuccessful? Do I feel like if I don’t have these things at all then I’m a failure?
I’m here to tell you you are NOT a failure if you don’t complete school, if you don’t follow that traditional job path, if you never get married or meet your soulmate, if you never have children, or if you don’t achieve things by 30.
Take some pressure off yourself and recognize you are your own unique soul. You came here to be YOU. Not anyone else; no one else’s idea of a “successful” life (even your parent’s idea) can define anything for you. It means nothing to you because you’re different, you’re unique, you can make your life and you should make your life whatever you want it to be.
Life is not a series of checklists and it’s such a shame society makes people feel that way. I wonder if we were all encouraged to find our individual way, if as a whole we’d be more fulfilled and more enlightened and feel so much more self-love and enjoyment.
There’s sooo many more ways to do things than that traditional path. You can create your own career; create your own form of a happy relationship, and create your own form of what a successful life looks like to you!
And if you do genuinely want a traditional career path, a marriage, children - that’s great too! Those can be amazing, fulfilling things. That should be point of life - that we should be able to experience whatever we want!
But also know that you don’t have to do any of that by a certain age. It can come at anytime. You can start over and get a new career at 50. You can get married at 60. You can have children at 40.
There’s no set timeline and no set path.
You are not a failure for not achieving things by 30; the only way you’ll ever be a failure is if you let others force you into a path that may not be what you want.
So long as you are following your heart, you’ll always be successful.
So long as you have the courage to do the things you want on your own timeline, you’ll always be successful.
You got this; you can have/be/do anything!
Stay true to your heart, figure out what you really want, and know that you can make it happen. Like I always say, a desire wouldn’t exist in your heart if it wasn’t possible for you to achieve. The fact that you can think it, means you can do it!
Release any pressure of any set path, let go of that outdated checklist, know there’s no age limits or time limits.
Be you. Be yourself. Be the person you came here to be! Make life happen on your own terms at your own pace! So long as you do this, you will alwayssss be considered successful ! <3
